More Stuff

While I was gone I got away from my AA program. The nearest meetings were far away from the hotel in which I was staying. But it could have been worse. In one of those interesting twists of fate....or whatever...the other person from my company with whom I was on this "mission," someone I had never met before and who lives in a different country, turned out to be an AA member also. It took us a couple of days to figure this out about each other, but it turned out to be a really nice thing. I don't think I would have had a drink had that person not been there, but it certainly made things a lot more enjoyable and easier. Plus I have a new contact to talk to when I'm having a bad day - and likewise for him.

I'm slowly getting back into the groove. I've noticed my moods and behavior are not as serene as I would like. But I know what to do. Go to more meetings. Get out of my own head. Think of others.

Since returning it has become clearer than ever to me that my wife's and my relationship had gone to hell long before I ever decided I needed to be more gay and announced I was leaving a couple of years ago. I am not using this as a way to excuse my misbehavior...the lying and cheating...the incredible, shameful selfishness and cowadice. But I do think those behaviors would have been harder for me had our relationship been as strong then as it had at times in the past.

Since returning from my trip I am beginning to remember what it was like back in the days when our relationship was strong. What it was like to feel confident in being loved and in showing love. I don't know how all that got away. I do know it was a slow, insidious progression. One that was easy to overlook in the chaos of American, middle-class family life. One that was easy to medicate away with increasing doses of wine and bourbon.

Without getting graphic, Sunday night I was reminded of how much I enjoy having sex with women. OK, one particular woman. It doesn't mean I don't lust after men as much as ever. That hasn't changed. That has always been a constant in my life. But I'm starting to remember now why I thought it was a good idea to marry a woman. One particular woman. And it wasn't just because I was young, stupid and horny, even though I was.

I readily allow misery into my life these days. Happiness I shy away from. It's a real struggle for me to embrace these good feelings and positive insights. But I'm going to try to hang on to them long enough to get back into my AA groove which I know will help me incorporate them into my life and build on them.

Life is good. It's all we have, so it kind of has to be. Unless it isn't.

I love you guys.

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