Best Ever

I think I’ve posted before about a question my sponsor asked me in my first year of sobriety. I was talking (complaining?) about my former on-the-side boyfriend with whom I was having some conflicts regarding the circumstances of our parting. My sponsor asked me what I wanted from him (the boyfriend). I said, “I just want him out of my life.” To which my sponsor responded, “If you want him out of your life, why do you keep turning up in his life?” Ouch.

A desire I've consistently stated is to “right size” the fact of my sexual preference – basically make it a non-issue in my life. It dawned on me over the holidays that if making it a non-issue is my goal, why do I keep making it such an issue? Why do I obsess on it, write about it, “introspect” about it, ACT ON IT? Why do I MAKE IT such a focus of my life?

When describing Step Four (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) as it pertains to our sexual (mis)behavior the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says (p. 70):

To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

At the "suggestion" of my sponsor, my focus since before the holidays has been service work. So far the imperious urge has been quiet. Sometimes I get fearful about what will happen when it wakes up, but then I remember that I only need to focus on today. So far today it has been quiet.

A non-issue.

Oh, did I tell you the holiday season that just passed was my best ever? Yes, BEST EVER. Even better than when I got my purple Schwinn three speed Fastback bicycle with the gearshift and sparkling banana seat.

BEST EVER not because of expensive presents or food, but because of one gift. My family.

Flip