Different Maybe?

During a trip to Chicago about six weeks ago I hooked up with a mid-thirties single-with-girlfriend guy (let's call him "John") who claimed to have never had an "experience" with another guy but had been fantasizing about it for a long time. He was what you might call a man's man...all that I picture myself as NOT being...super-straight-bordering-on-homophobic, macho, fearless, very into playing sports...you get the idea. I was intrigued and must say very much enjoyed playing the role of the more experienced but understanding, patient teacher to someone who would have tortured me when I was in high school. (As you might imagine, this scenario also intrigued Dr. M...but I digress.) For both John and me our meeting was an intensely pleasurable experience.

Early last week I received an email from John wishing me a happy new year and inquiring as to my next scheduled trip to Chicago. Although already into my latest attempt at rigorous honesty, I could not resist replying to his email letting him know I was planning to be there late this week or next week. I told him I would let him know my definite plans by yesterday. He assured me he would make himself available sometime during my visit.

Here's the email I sent him yesterday:

Hi John,

I still don't know what my itinerary is for this week/next week, but it probably doesn't matter. As of the first of the year I have resolved (not the first time, I'm afraid) to quit my behavior. Just so you know, the only thing I think is wrong is the fact that I am acting dishonestly as it relates to my marriage. I feel no shame or guilt regarding what two consenting people choose to do with each other as long as no one else is harmed. I am judging no one but myself.

In the category of "probably too much information", I think I told you that I'm a recovering alcoholic. An important part of my recovery is trying my best to practice rigorous honesty. Obviously I have fallen gravely short in one major area. I hate not getting what I want (like getting together with you again) but I have to do everything I can to try to stay sober and the time has come for me to try once again to grow up in this area.

John, I hate people who play games (though I've certainly been guilty of it in he past) because this stuff is weird enough without folks acting all flaky and not respecting each other. That's why I'm trying to explain myself to you instead of just disappearing or ignoring you.

You are a very nice, laid back guy and I REALLY enjoyed getting to know you. Take care of yourself, and who knows, maybe our paths will cross at some point in the future. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or comments or anything.

Thanks,

Flip

As I read over the email today it sounds a lot less determined and final than perhaps I thought it did when I wrote it...maybe even slightly leaving the door open (though I've had no reply and don't much expect to).

Regardless, this is a big step for me. I seriously tried to rationalize reasons why it would be OK to hook up with John. But in the end I actually did the right thing. Not because I felt so bad inside that I felt obligated to do the right thing, but because I wanted to do the right thing even as I realized how much I wanted to do the wrong thing. Somehow it felt different from my past attempts.

Maybe the reason it felt different is that I finally realize you can do the right thing because you want to do it even if you also want to do the wrong thing. The wants can exist together without diminishing the significance of ultimately doing the right thing. I don't know if this even makes sense or perhaps is just such a simple concept that everyone else has understood this since they were growing up. I don't want to ponder it too long right now. But it is a major discovery to me.

Today, I think I'm growing up. Slowly. Baby steps with lots of stops, starts, backward motion, falls.

Just for today, because that's all I have. And I'm grateful to have it.

I love you guys.

Flip