The Answer, Part I

And the answer is.....

A) There is no answer

B) There are infinite answers

C) There is no need for an answer

D) None of the above

E) All of the above

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I have previously referred to the book Touchstones, A Book of Daily Meditations for Men, which is part of my (almost) daily inspirational, recovery-oriented reading. Just about the only thing I don't like about it is the focus on men because I think the messages transcend gender.

Yesterday's entry was about frontiers. It started with a quote from Hal Borland:

A frontier is never a place; it is a time and a way of
life. Frontiers pass, but they endure in their people.

The rest of the May 30 entry:

Frontiers are borders, and in our development we meet them again and again. Our first loves as teenagers were emotional and spiritual frontiers. Leaving home after childhood was another. Becoming a father, perhaps another. Some frontiers are very generous and exciting, while others are frightening, dangerous. Certainly this program [Alcoholics Anonymous] has been a frontier for us.

To stay alive spiritually we need to continually go to the borders of our experience -- or go back and face a new one from a new angle. We may encounter a new border in learning God's will for us in a new way, or in learning a new handicraft or sport, or meeting a life experience we didn't expect. We accumulate these memories within us. Some frontiers from long ago exist within us as if they were just yesterday. What frontiers stand out in our lives as we look back? What spiritual learning came from them? This is how we grow as men [and of course, as women, too!].

I am grateful for past frontiers that endure within me. They have strengthened and deepened my manhood [personhood?].

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Two and a half years ago, when I tried to storm out of the closet past my wife and children, I thought I was crossing a border and heading into a frontier.

Something went wrong. Maybe I thought I was crossing a border that really wasn't there. Maybe I prepared myself for the wrong kind of terrain. I don't know exactly what went wrong.

What I do know is that I'm now facing that border from a new angle. And I have grown spiritually since the last time I faced it.

See you on the frontier.

Flip

Pollyanna's Theory Du Jour

Warning: This post contains several partially-formed ideas. It is waiting to be shot full of holes. Regardless, I feel the need to post it before revising further.

This warning is only meant to convey my impression of this post. It is not meant to deter comments.


Drew’s blog is one of the beacons of (relative) sanity in this little corner of the world. His latest post, "Barcelona," and the comments it generated have given me hope.

In one comment, Willa, the ex-wife of a gay man, asks, “Why would a man trade everything he has built to be gay?” Although not directly answering this question, Drew ended his post saying, “I want to be able to love myself.” And Woe commented, “To live a life of pretence seems to preclude the possibility of loving yourself completely.”

Good question. Good thoughts.

So perhaps the best question for those of us more or less still on the fence is, “Can I love myself enough to live a life without pretense while not giving up my family, my marriage, my everything?”

On bad days, I answer “No!” and deal with the world from my very gloomy place (see recent posts).
On good days, I answer, “Yes, I believe so.”

OK Pollyanna, if the answer is yes, tell us how.

Well I don’t know how. But my very unformed theory du jour is first learn to really love yourself just the way you are, then worry about the rest.

The world loathed what I am, therefore I loathed myself. So when I decided to get honest and live an authentic life I naturally thought that if I forced the world to love me just the way I am, then my feelings would follow.

The way I thought I could force the world to accept / love me was to come out to the world and give up my sham of a life. Anything short of that was still a sham. As many of you know, I tried it. I tried it very inelegantly. It didn't work. And honestly I didn't feel very authentic the way I was going about it.

My recent posts and the life they represent tell me that I do not yet really love myself just the way I am. So for now I'm going to try to achieve that (or something closer to that) before I start to decide what parts of my life are authentic and what parts are a sham.

Pollyanna-ish? Absolutely. Rationalization for refusing to face the awful truth? Perhaps. But I’m going to hang on to it for today.

Cheers.

Flip

I Hate You I Love You

Dear Flip,

Remember me, the (relatively) sane guy you’ve kept buried since you came back from your trip? Well I just managed to poke my head above ground. As far as I can tell the rules have not changed. It is still not good for late-forties guys to act like little kids. You are still an alcoholic. You are not cured.

I (in)sincerely hope you have enjoyed your little post-vacation escape from reality. Take it from one who knows, there's nothing like wallowing in relentless self-pity to fuel grandiose ideas of terminal self-uniqueness. The supreme tragedy of your life is duly noted.

I (very) sincerely hope you realize that it’s time…well past time…to rejoin your regularly scheduled life in progress. In your earlier post today (two in one day...does that tell you anything?) you claimed to know what you need to do. Well, I’m not absolutely sure you really know, so I’m going to tell you.

You need to attend an AA meeting every day for the next 90 days. You need to start calling your sponsor every day. You need to read your AA literature every day. And most of all you need to focus on someone – in fact a whole group of someones – other than yourself. You've been carrying around a copy of St. Francis’ prayer in your back pocket for the past two days. How about opening it up and reading it. And then reading it again? How about aspiring to live it? Remember how good that felt? Well, even if you don't, I do.

Please wake up. I love you. I wish you loved me.

Flip

Self-Will Run Riot

Self-will run riot. That’s a pretty accurate description of my life right now. Although it seems like more of an orgy (OK, maybe a slight exaggeration) than a riot.

As I’ve mentioned before, one of my favorite statements from a long-time AA member is, “My biggest problem is not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is how I feel about my biggest problem.” I really believe this is true for me.

Well, my biggest problem is my desire to stay married vs. my continuing proclivity for play. Therefore my biggest problem is how I feel about my biggest problem. So let’s explore some different feelings I have about that problem.

1. There is no reason why I can’t manage this problem just like I manage my alcohol problem.
2. This problem will go away as I age and my desires disappear
3. There is no reason why I can’t manage this problem now like I did the first few of decades of my sexual life…fantasy with no real actions taken.
4. There is some middle ground I can find between complete abstinence and complete slutstinence. A sort of “safe” zone of playing that I don’t have to confess.
5. There is no solution to this problem.
6. I need to throw in the towel and confess to my wife that I am unable to stay married and faithful and put the ball in her court.
7. I need to relax. Quit obsessing on this problem. Compartmentalize my life.

Well, those don’t exactly sound like feelings. They sound like thoughts. Let me see if I can explore the feelings generated by these thoughts.

Blahblahblahblah...B...O...R...I...N...G.

Yuck. I am sick of my feelings. Sick of this problem. Sick of my inability to control myself. Sick of my fear.

Serenity? Right.

The answer? I know what it is. Why won’t I do something about it?

I guess it doesn’t hurt enough yet.

Bye

Flip

19 Feelings

Blocked.

1. Optimistic: Recently vacationed with wife. Best time we’ve had in years. Made me SO glad we did not split up.
2. Ashamed: Even more recently “played” twice
3. Optimistic / apathetically alarmed: Feeling less guilty than after some previous encounters
4. (Not) ashamed (enough): Possibly planning to “play” again this week.
5. Familiarly distracted: Desirous of almost every living human male observed under the age of 50. OK, 60.
6. Unfamiliarly distracted and (quite) puzzled: Recent noticing of / attraction to a few randomly observed women. Yes, I said women…what’s that all about?
7. Frustrated: Running into same brick walls at work. Regretting career choices
8. Depressed: 1 + (2 through 5)
9. Uncomfortable: Can’t manage to concoct a coherent, meaningful post.
10. Puzzled / uncomfortable / alarmed: Occasionally wishing to avoid rigorous honesty when imagining posts - specifically as related to 2 through 5, 18.
11. Exhausted: Jet lag + crazy work schedule + 7
12. Inadequate: 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
13. Lonely / sadly resigned: Remembering that there is no perfect solution.
14. Lonely / frightened: No time / energy to catch up with blogs / bloggers.
15. Frightened, but not enough: Attended an AA meeting once in past four weeks. Talked to sponsor zero.
16. Self-Unimpressed: 1 + (2 through15), 17,18.
17. Bemused: Recent online / phone conversations with extreme myopia fetishist attracted to Flip's Coke bottle glasses (not making this up).
18. Depressed / titillated: Recent conversations / interactions(!) with potential married sub slave.
19. Pessimistic: 2 through 16, 17 kind of, 18
    

Cleared.

Flip

I'm Back

First, I owe many, many thanks to Brad for so gracefully and competently filling in for me. One of the great benefits of being back is that I can once again stop by his porch every day. Thanks Brad! And, as always, thanks to anybody who stopped by my porch while Brad was watching out for it.

Second, congratulation to Troll for correctly identifying Akhenaten and sharing some of the theories surrounding this mysterious person. I really identify with Akhenaten, and I don't think it's just the similarity in the abdominal area.

Third, I'm dazed, confused and severely jet-lagged and I have lots of catching up to do.

Cheers(LA),

Flip

Breaking news... The Temp Flip is in a good mood!

Sharing ones life with someone else is difficult at times, but it certainly has its rewards. Justin and I just had a quiet evening at home yesterday. Then, today, things just seem right. Easy.

I've been a bit of a Grumpalottapuss lately so our relationship has been a little strained.

But, today, I'm feeling different. Cheerful, even.

Very cool profile pic Flip has posted. Perhaps he'll share with us the meaning and who this is a depiction of.

Peace to all.

Brad, your cheerful, almost bubbly, "Temp Flip".

Me? Forget you? No way!

Sorry for the sporadic posts, folks. This month is always a very busy one for me. I'll be back to do more over here later this week. Today I'll just direct you to my blog, Southern Expressions, which you can click on in the links on the side. (For some reason the hyperlink option isn't working. Gotta love Blogger!)

At least then you'll understand why you haven't been getting your recommended dosage of "Mobius Flip."

Hope to see you on my porch.

Brad, your "Running on Empty" Temp Flip.

An Explanation and an Apology

I received a comment from Restored Vows today, asking about my use of the word "cheers" at the end of my posts as a closing. It seems he's concerned about this word in particular because it might trigger a recovering alcoholic to drink.

The reason I've used "cheers" as a closing is because Flip does on occasion. On many of the comments he leaves at other blogs he also closes with "cheers". Perhaps it has particular meaning to Flip and he might expound upon it here at a later time. I really don't know. I thought it was ironic that he used that particular closing as well and in an effort to keep posts over here somewhat consistent I took to using it at the end of my posts.

R.V. might have a legitimate point, so I will refrain from using that particular closing in the future.

Or at least until Flip offers his explanation.

My apologies to anyone I have offended.

Peace.

Brad, your shiny-new, more sensitive to others, "Temp Flip".

Sharing the Beauty of the Stars

I was checking out Wisdom Quotes as Flip suggested at another post, and I ran across this little gem:

"If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth." - Mitsugi Saotome

So we will just keep it short and sweet, because that is the way I feel like playing the game today.

Cheers.

Brad, your tight lipped "Temp Flip"