For Me, For Today

Spider's comment on my last post:

For me - it is all about acceptance from other men... it just happens that the sexual acceptance is usually a little easier to get - at least for 30 minutes or so...

I am so glad Spider said this. I fear that many of my posts seem designed to give anonymous sex among men a bad name. This is not my intention. Of course, just the combination of the words "anonymous" and "sex" may seem wrong. I know before I had engaged in the combination of those two words I certainly felt the concept was inherently wrong.

That's no longer the case. And I would like to be very clear that when I equate "anonymous sex" or "sex with men" with dishonesty, something bad, I am speaking only for myself...in my situation. My situation being that to practice rigorous honesty I have made a conscious decision to discontinue having anonymous sex and/or sex with men rather than attempt to work out an arrangement with my wife allowing me to have anonymous sex and/or sex with men within our marriage.

When my wife and I married, we both knew about my attraction to men. We did not sign up for an "open marriage." But that's not the reason for my decision. If I thought we could stay married, and maybe more importantly, if I thought I would want to stay married, only if we made an arrangement for a more open marriage, I would gather up my courage (yes, it would take some work and time to do that, but I'd do it) and discuss it with her. But I do not think having an open marriage is a good idea for us.

I don't want to put her in a position to decide between open marriage with me or no marriage. Yes, on the surface this sounds like an ideal situation for someone in my situation. But in reality, I can't imagine how this would work out. I don't want to be "playing" with someone knowing my wife knows what's going on. I don't want to think about her sitting at home while I'm doing that. I'm sorry, but the way I feel today is that I wouldn't feel good about that. And I no longer feel good about doing it without her knowledge. I believe my life depends on rigorous honesty.

Please remember, I speak for myself, for today, only. This is not a judgment of others who have worked out an arrangement such as I'm describing...or of anyone for that matter. And things may change tomorrow.

Yes, that's a long lead in. But my point is that I know exactly what Spider is talking about. I have had some great experiences anonymously, with men. Experiences that have helped me get through some tough times...that have let me feel acceptance when I really needed it and offer the same to a brother.

My point is that as of today, for me, I am saying "Yes" to wanting to be faithful to my wife which means saying "No" to seeking acceptance, or anything, by engaging in anonymous sex, or in fact any kind of sex, with anyone other than my wife.

For me. For today. Not for you. Not for tomorrow.

Peace to you all.

Flip

Today: Quieting The Imperious Urge

As mentioned yesterday, I've been feeling more consistently serene recently than in a long time...maybe ever. I attribute this serenity to the fact that, as outlined in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, my sponsor, R, "suggested" I do more service work as a way to "quiet the imperious urge," ie the urge to practice less-than-rigorous-honesty by having sex with men without my wife's knowledge.

One form of service work he suggested was having me request a list of men's names and phone numbers at the three meetings I attend most often and then call one person each day. Although R was a little coy about how, exactly, this constitutes service work (when questioned he said something like, "You need to quit thinking so much and just do it.") I suspect his reasoning is when I call and talk to another alcoholic it helps the person I call as well as me. I also believe it is an(other) attempt by R to get me more involved in the fellowship of AA and the work of my home group.

Being semi-rebellious, I've been semi-compliant with R's "suggestion." Even so, the results have been more than semi-impressive: an astounding diminishment in my obsession with finding "playmates", living (gratefully) with rigorous honesty and the aforementioned serenity. Plus I've started forming bonds with some of the men in the group. This is great news. I believe having some healthy, close, non-sexual friendships with men is going to help me meet some of the needs I was attempting, but failing, to meet through my anonymous encounters.

My usual disclaimer: I know this is only for today.

But that's OK. Today is all I have. And I'm grateful for it.

Have a great day.

Flip

HBD MF

One year ago today I first posted. I'd been lurking and considering blogging for a long time and was finally moved to take the plunge by a very "safe" meme posted by Secret Simon. By the way, I continue to be inspired by Simon/Alden both in the area of creativity and in how to live a heroic life. Since I first began lurking and then started blogging I have "met" and been inspired by so many. Thanks to you all and to Flip for helping me (continue to) grow up.

Speaking of meeting, I had the pleasure of meeting in person Cymber (of Are You KIDDING Me With This??? fame), Oscar and Turtle for breakfast on Saturday. What a delightful time. They are the kind of folks that you instantly feel as though you have known your whole life. The love that Cymber and Oscar radiate for each other and for Turtle is a beautiful thing. And Turtle really is the cutest and smartest (boy) kid I have ever met (safe statement since my two are both girls). I really appreciated the fact that they took time out of their weekend to drive over and meet me and hope I can return the favor sometime soon.

Moving right along...I am so grateful to report that for the past month or so I've been able to de-emphasize the gay/bi/queer thing and add more balance to my life. For me, this is truly a benefit of having the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to use as a blueprint for my life. Although I'm not on Step 12, it encourages us to try to "...practice these principles in all our affairs." That's a tall order, but my humble attempts seem to be paying off. Now don't get me wrong, I fully expect TGBQT to return full force at some time in the near and distant future, but for now I'm just enjoying the peace and trying to build strength for when the gremlins do return.

As for this blog, my current state of mind has caused it to drift away from what might be considered its "category" (mixed up middle-aged gay/bi/queer guys who are married with a little AA added for sanity???). I'm really not sure where it's headed and it probably doesn't need a category. For now I'll just keep posting as the spirit moves me but may try to post more about other things going on in my life that are not directly related to TQT or AA. I'm open to any suggestions anyone might regarding changes, etc.

Most of all, thanks to all of you for being there and for inspiring me. What a gift!

I love you all just the way you are,

K

Oppressed By Whom?

Just when I'm tempted to indulge in a little self pity....poor me, little boy born queer, misunderstood, hiding, ashamed, taunted, hated...so much to overcome...I do my daily "recovery reading" and come across this in Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men:

January 12

I should be content to look at a mountain for what it is and not as a comment on my life.
- David Ignatow

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We have recognized our self-centeredness as addicts and codependents. On the other side is the feeling of peace and well-being when we are released from it. Self-centeredness caused us to take everything personally. We were hypersensitive to our surroundings, to other people, and how they reacted. Yet, so often these things had very little to do with us. God sends rain for the just and the unjust.

When we can look at a mountain and lose ourselves in the sight, we are refreshed spiritually. But no mountain is necessary for this experience. When we listen to a friend and simply hear his perspective, when we pet a dog and just enjoy this loving creature, when we look at a sunset and drink it in for what it is – then we are growing.

********************************************

God grant me release from the oppression of my ego.

Or as it says in the Third Step prayer (Alcoholics Anonymous p. 63), “Relieve me of the bondage of self…”

Yep. Another paradox. I find my self, find my freedom, by focusing on you.

I can’t be reminded of this often enough.

Peace.

Flip

Different Maybe?

During a trip to Chicago about six weeks ago I hooked up with a mid-thirties single-with-girlfriend guy (let's call him "John") who claimed to have never had an "experience" with another guy but had been fantasizing about it for a long time. He was what you might call a man's man...all that I picture myself as NOT being...super-straight-bordering-on-homophobic, macho, fearless, very into playing sports...you get the idea. I was intrigued and must say very much enjoyed playing the role of the more experienced but understanding, patient teacher to someone who would have tortured me when I was in high school. (As you might imagine, this scenario also intrigued Dr. M...but I digress.) For both John and me our meeting was an intensely pleasurable experience.

Early last week I received an email from John wishing me a happy new year and inquiring as to my next scheduled trip to Chicago. Although already into my latest attempt at rigorous honesty, I could not resist replying to his email letting him know I was planning to be there late this week or next week. I told him I would let him know my definite plans by yesterday. He assured me he would make himself available sometime during my visit.

Here's the email I sent him yesterday:

Hi John,

I still don't know what my itinerary is for this week/next week, but it probably doesn't matter. As of the first of the year I have resolved (not the first time, I'm afraid) to quit my behavior. Just so you know, the only thing I think is wrong is the fact that I am acting dishonestly as it relates to my marriage. I feel no shame or guilt regarding what two consenting people choose to do with each other as long as no one else is harmed. I am judging no one but myself.

In the category of "probably too much information", I think I told you that I'm a recovering alcoholic. An important part of my recovery is trying my best to practice rigorous honesty. Obviously I have fallen gravely short in one major area. I hate not getting what I want (like getting together with you again) but I have to do everything I can to try to stay sober and the time has come for me to try once again to grow up in this area.

John, I hate people who play games (though I've certainly been guilty of it in he past) because this stuff is weird enough without folks acting all flaky and not respecting each other. That's why I'm trying to explain myself to you instead of just disappearing or ignoring you.

You are a very nice, laid back guy and I REALLY enjoyed getting to know you. Take care of yourself, and who knows, maybe our paths will cross at some point in the future. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or comments or anything.

Thanks,

Flip

As I read over the email today it sounds a lot less determined and final than perhaps I thought it did when I wrote it...maybe even slightly leaving the door open (though I've had no reply and don't much expect to).

Regardless, this is a big step for me. I seriously tried to rationalize reasons why it would be OK to hook up with John. But in the end I actually did the right thing. Not because I felt so bad inside that I felt obligated to do the right thing, but because I wanted to do the right thing even as I realized how much I wanted to do the wrong thing. Somehow it felt different from my past attempts.

Maybe the reason it felt different is that I finally realize you can do the right thing because you want to do it even if you also want to do the wrong thing. The wants can exist together without diminishing the significance of ultimately doing the right thing. I don't know if this even makes sense or perhaps is just such a simple concept that everyone else has understood this since they were growing up. I don't want to ponder it too long right now. But it is a major discovery to me.

Today, I think I'm growing up. Slowly. Baby steps with lots of stops, starts, backward motion, falls.

Just for today, because that's all I have. And I'm grateful to have it.

I love you guys.

Flip

"The Private Adam"

Warning: Over the next few posts I may be quoting quite a bit more from my new favorite read, The Private Adam: Becoming a Hero in a Selfish Age. I don't know if it's such a great book, but it has profoundly spoken to me at a time when I need desperately to hear what it has to say. Therefore it is a great book for me.

I often ask myself how was I able to finally commit adultery when for so very long I had found the idea so reprehensible? Although the answer may be simple (or perhaps more simply, is simple? Um, I'm not quite ready to get that honest yet.), I usually prefer to complicate (soften? obfuscate?) the explanation with details of my oh-so-tragic life...sad little (dorky) sexually confused boy growing up in a cruel world sentenced to a life as an alcoholic by genetics and prejudice blah blah blah...you get the idea...I'll stop before you're reduced to tears.

The Private Adam, Chapter 15, "How Can We Know We're Doing The Right Thing?" page 107:

The Talmud even says that the first time you do something bad, you acknowledge it as bad. The second time, it becomes neutral, and the third time you talk yourself into believing it's a good thing. That's why we need a higher code to tell us the way to behave.

Before a firestorm breaks out among my four or five regular readers, I'm not suggesting I have any idea what your higher code should be, what it should tell you or even if you should have one. I'm just talking about me. And today my higher code is the steps and principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. Principles which demand of me rigorous honesty. The kind of honesty which makes it hard for me to adjust my principles to conform to my behavior instead of doing the reverse. The kind of honesty that will keep me sober, sane and alive.

Have a great day, and thanks for being there!

Flip

Best Ever

I think I’ve posted before about a question my sponsor asked me in my first year of sobriety. I was talking (complaining?) about my former on-the-side boyfriend with whom I was having some conflicts regarding the circumstances of our parting. My sponsor asked me what I wanted from him (the boyfriend). I said, “I just want him out of my life.” To which my sponsor responded, “If you want him out of your life, why do you keep turning up in his life?” Ouch.

A desire I've consistently stated is to “right size” the fact of my sexual preference – basically make it a non-issue in my life. It dawned on me over the holidays that if making it a non-issue is my goal, why do I keep making it such an issue? Why do I obsess on it, write about it, “introspect” about it, ACT ON IT? Why do I MAKE IT such a focus of my life?

When describing Step Four (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) as it pertains to our sexual (mis)behavior the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says (p. 70):

To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

At the "suggestion" of my sponsor, my focus since before the holidays has been service work. So far the imperious urge has been quiet. Sometimes I get fearful about what will happen when it wakes up, but then I remember that I only need to focus on today. So far today it has been quiet.

A non-issue.

Oh, did I tell you the holiday season that just passed was my best ever? Yes, BEST EVER. Even better than when I got my purple Schwinn three speed Fastback bicycle with the gearshift and sparkling banana seat.

BEST EVER not because of expensive presents or food, but because of one gift. My family.

Flip