Sometimes...All That Is Asked Of Us

Between my ears, different battles are fought each day. Some days just small skirmishes or even just hateful glares across no man's land, some days vicious, unrelenting clashes. But the heart of the conflict seems always to be should I or shouldn't I? Past, present, future. Should I have when I tried? Should I now? Will I? Why did I? Why didn't I? Am I brave? Am I a coward? What's honest? What's a lie? What's kind? What's cruel? To whom?

Why did (breaking up, resisting temptation, working it out maturely, disappearing from the face of the earth, activism, pacifism, suicide, youfillitin) work for her / him / them? Why can't I (be brave, be noble, give up, be less self-centered, be kinder to myself, take action, youfillitin)? Why do(es) they (he, she) seem so (at peace, brave, generous, wise, thoughtful, happy, successful, dead, youfillitin)?

No outcomes appear perfect. Perfect? OK, substitute survivable. No don't, that's a bit too dramatic. Or is it?

Before the next time I peer up out of my foxhole to glare across the razorwire at myself, I'm going to read the passage below. Maybe then I'll just stare, not glare. Maybe I'll stand up, throw down my gun and walk to the fence with my hand extended. Maybe.

From Touchstones, A Book Of Daily Meditations For Men a (n almost) daily read for me.

**October 31**

Superficiality is the curse of our age. The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem.
- Richard J. Foster

*********************************************

As we have reached for instant cures, one-minute answers, and quick highs, we have developed lifestyles that foreclosed deeper possibilities. For instance, when we fail to stay and resolve conflicts in a relationship, we miss the joys of a renewed understanding. Our spiritual development comes in steps, small but meaningful increments that build over a period of time. Many of us have not been patient men and our newfound spiritual life is teaching us that the quickest, most efficient answer isn’t always the best.

Today, our greatest temptation may be to grab for the fast solutions rather than allowing time for small but important steps to occur. When we are frustrated, it will help to remember the difficulty may lie in our insistence on a quick answer. Sometimes simply being true to ourselves and standing as a witness while the answer develops are all that is asked of us.

*********************************************
I will have faith that time is on my side and it will teach me valuable things.

Peace.

Flip

The Last First Thought, Etc.

As soon as I initially published the prior post, I realized I needed to add what is now the first bullet point in the list. Unfortunately Blogger would not allow me to post the revised version for several hours, but I want to be sure everyone sees that point, too.

And I'd also like to add that the list of "regular reads" over to the right is sadly outdated. Someday I will update it thoroughly. One addition that was long overdue and has been made is Bi and Bye - which I have finally added. Regarding that blog, although there are many surface differences (geography, addictions / lack thereof, etc.) all too often Mr. BB (jasman) seems to blog my thoughts, if not my life. Sorry jasman that it has taken me so long to add you, and sorry to anyone whose blog needs to be added and has not yet been.

Thanks again to everyone out there who is part of my world.

Flip

Random Acts of Thoughtness

Hello patient friends,

• Usually when I hear advice I think is way off the mark, and hear it over and over, it means I need to listen to it. I've finally decided to listen to Bear's suggestion that maybe I am trying to fight too many battles at once. Thanks Bear! (And apologies to unacknowledged others who have made this same suggestion in the past. As I said, I wasn't listening.)
• AA has taught me that everyone has the right to be wrong. Yesterday morning I realized (remembered) that applies to me too.
• If I take the liberty of deciding that I'm a creature unworthy of life, love, forgiveness, patience, empathy, second (thousandth) chances, etc. them I am playing God.
• I am certain about only one thing concerning God...I am not God.
• Even if I'm not concious of playing God, when I play God I get in trouble.
• Tomorrow I am doing Step Eight** with my sponsor. Some would say it is long overdue. Others would say I am not yet ready for it. I'm going to see what my sponsor says and follow his suggestion...for a change.
• Last night I attended an AA meeting the topic of which was "gratitude." What do I have to be grateful for? Too much to list here. The primary things are the fact that I am sober and that unlike so many who have come before me, I have a chance. I have a choice. And that's a gift. I need to treat it as such and give away whenever possible. Every day. Not just when I'm tired of focusing on me me me me me me.
• To paraphrase something I heard in a meeting, "Today is going to be a great day unless I fuck it up."

Peace.

Flip

**Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

And just so you know, the next one is this biggie...

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

The Morning After

I'm happy (sad?) to report that the AA police stopped by at about 6 PM yesterday to break up the pity party. There are still pockets of revelry around the place, but for the most part it's over...for now. Of course all the participants are still on the premises. I'm pretty sure they'll always be around, but at least it's a relief when they're snoozing. I hope it takes them a while to sleep it off.

Thanks to all of you neighbors who knocked on the door and windows to suggest that things were getting out of hand. I'm sorry most of you were greeted with nothing but a blank stare.

Flip

Shame

Fallen

-Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Is there an answer? I haven't found it. Surrender, ignore, compartmentalize, suppress, start over, focus on self, focus on others. Hope. Analyze. Pray. False starts, not answers.

Truth be told
I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Truth be told. Ha! Tried my best? I guess so. Not really. Tried. Trying. My best? Doesn't feel like it. The cost? It’s been high. Could be, may be, much higher.

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

I've fallen...done what for so long seemed abhorrent, unthinkable. Continue to.

Sunk
so
low.

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

We all begin with good intent? Yes.
Love was raw and young? Yes.
We believed that we could change ourselves, the past could be undone. It seemed so possible, and there was so little to be undone.
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals, in the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal. The unrevealed burdens of youth. Did we notice them? What did we think they were?
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I’ve held so dear. I still don’t know all I’ve lost, and I've made some gains along the way. But I do know I came close to losing everything I’ve held dear, and it seems I’m still working on that.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

I've fallen, but I'm not lost to my friends. They don't know how far I've fallen...continue to fall. Maybe one more slip...

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Thanks. I'll call you back when the pity party is over.

F

Jiminy Cricket

Survey says……

NOT simple.

OK. It’s not simple. I’M simple. Or so it would seem. Well, simple-minded. At least sometimes. No, please, anything but simple!

Spider, Paul and Brad don’t think it’s simple. Dr. M doesn’t think it’s simple. So why did (yes, did. I am a whore to the opinions of those I look up to) I think it’s simple.

Maybe something Dr. M said to me today is a clue. When I told him (probably for the ten thousandth time…this year) that I want to stop it (my anonymous encounters) he somehow indicated disagreement with me. I can’t even remember how he indicated it. He might even disagree with my interpretation of, or perhaps even the existence of, his “indication.” Maybe shrinks aren’t supposed to “indicate” things. But let’s just say I sensed he disagreed. I think I was right. Because he corrected me (perhaps after I indicated to him that I sensed he disagreed with me) by saying, “You wish you could stop it.”

Oh yeah, baby. Now we’re getting somewhere. I don’t WANT to stop it, because I like it. I wish I could stop it. I wish it would go away. I wish I didn’t want to do it. I wish I didn’t do it. But I don’t want to stop…because IF I DID WANT TO STOP, I WOULD STOP. Simple! Simple concept. Made (or existing as) complicated.

Bless his heart, Dr. M was quick to assure me that he meant no value judgment. Value judgment must be a really big no-no in shrink land. Regardless, I believe him. And I love him for it.

I agree with the survey. It may be simple. But IT is not simple. I wish it were simple. But wishing does not make it so. Or at least it hasn't so far.

*****************************************************************************

On a side note, I've never posted this frequently. I don’t know about you, but my head is spinning. For the life of me I can’t tell if I’m actually communicating anything or not. In fact, I suspect my blog is turning into some sort of schizo-diary. Welcome to a glimpse into Flip’s head.

Is anyone else sick of me posting about it? Or more importantly, about IT? C’mon, tell me. it’s OK. I really want to know. It doesn’t mean I will necessarily change what I do. But I might. If you wish hard enough.

Thanks for sticking with me guys. Thanks for being there. And most importantly, thanks for adding to the message. It really is getting clearer.

I love you.

Flip

PS Paul, I wish you would start your own blog.

Simple

Last week I had a couple of conversations with my higher power, summarized versions of which I posted. Although I’ve started trying the conversation thing, it doesn’t mean I believe that my higher power speaks to me directly. When God speaks to me directly it always sounds too much like me to seem credibly "higher." On the other hand I do believe God speaks to me through other people, other things in my life. (There is a whole theological discussion we could have right now about whether there really is a god who has the time and/or need to speak to me, or whether I am just tuning in to a deeper part of myself, or something else. While that may be interesting, I don’t think it matters as long as I’m getting a meaningful, helpful message.)

Yesterday I received some meaningful, helpful messages:

1) Nate's post “Compasses,” and in particular an anonymous comment on that post asking Nate some very insightful questions.
2) A newspaper article entitled “Control Issues” with a subheading that says, “In a society that offers bountiful temptation – pornography, gambling, drugs, alcohol, fast food, credit – and no shame, self-restraint may be the most important personal trait of the 21st century.”
3) A Step One AA meeting where several people talked about the loss of integrity and the abject shame that is felt by “closet drinkers” which sounded similar to the situation of "closet cheaters."

As a result of these messages, I asked myself a few difficult questions...questions that admittedly I have asked myself before.

1) If I were my wife’s father, what would I think of her husband (me) and the way he has treated my daughter and continues to treat her (whether she knows it or not). If I were her father and I knew what I know about Flip, what would I advise her to do?
2) If one of my daughters married someone like me, how would I feel about that situation? That person? What would I advise my daughter to do if he did the things I have done over the past five years?
3) Am I using a lot of drama and complication related to my feelings, temptations, shame, self-esteem, fellow bloggers, addictions, pseudo-psychology, and you-name-it as a smokescreen to hide the simple truth that what I need is a little self-restraint which can be motivated by the Golden Rule and my higher power?

This time I answered them:

1) I would not like Flip. I might feel sorry for him but would still think he is basically a loser. I would advise my daughter to wish him well as she departs, and let him go off to spend as much time as he needs to figure out who/what he is while she gets on with her life – hopefully finding someone who is a little more mature and a lot more thoughtful - to spend the rest of it with.
2) See 1).
3) Yes

It's just that simple.

F

A Clarification and Some Lovingly Provoked Thoughts

When posting I often, OK usually, don't know what I'm trying to say but I almost alway (think I) know what I'm NOT try to say. Unfortunately that approach can lead to confusion. Some emails I have received indicate my last post is a prime example.

To clarify: In no way was I trying to equate the search for sexual fulfillment with being an alcoholic. Rather my intent was to explore an idea for shifting my attempts at ostensibly achieving sexual fulfillment through anonymous liaisons with men back to a healthier (and likely more successful) means of actually achieving sexual fulfillment - having sex with my committed life partner...with whom I have been able to find sexual fulfillment quite a bit in the past. (Whew...I hope you survived the journey through THAT sentence!)

After I made a very poor attempt to clarify this in an email yesterday, one of my beloved readers posed a couple of difficult but very important, thought-provoking points/questions.

Just a couple of points to ponder - which I am sure you already have...

1) Maybe the sexual fulfillment with your wife was "forced" to a certain extent and you are tired of forcing it - remember, you can love a woman deeply for all the right reasons and not be sexually attracted to her.

2) Is it the sex with men or is it the anonymous sex that is the turn on?

Wow!! This was my response:

I have indeed pondered those points and I actually have pretty honest answers for them. Here they are whether you want them or not! As always these are subject to the fact that I am insane and delusional, but they do represent my best attempt at the truth today.

I truly don't think the sexual fulfillment with my wife was or is "forced." I have given this a lot of thought - especially since my shrink has indicated in the past he thought it [note: I was referring to my ability to enjoy sex with my wife] was just because I was such a horny bastard. Actually I am not tired of having sex with her - I still really enjoy it when the opportunity arises (HAHA!). In fact when I am less interested in having sex with her because I have recently "relieved my urge" so to speak through other means it makes me sad - although that might actually support your suggestion. Regardless, it is true that I am naturally more attracted to men so there is that overriding fact to consider.

I absolutely think I am searching for something other than sexual fulfillment through my encounters. It is the excitement, the danger, and all sorts of other things too. I figured this out when I had the steady boyfriend on the side and I still cheated on him, plus I am blessed with a sponsor who is gay and cheats on his boyfriend in the same way. If I did not have these two frames of reference I would probably assume that if I would just leave my wife I would settle down with one person and behave.

I really don't think anonymous encounters are wrong - except for someone like me who is in a committed relationship where they are not agreed upon. I just know that whatever need I am trying to meet through these encounters is not being met through them, but I keep trying the same behavior expecting a different outcome. I always feel crappy afterward (not immediately, but it doesn't take too long).

This is one of the things I love about blogging. You guys (male and female) are the most amazingly patient, caring and loving folks. I appreciate you all...those who take some time out of their day to ask me questions that really make me stop and think, those who comment so thoughtfully from time to time and even you guys who haven't made it onto the porch (as Brad would say) but are still out there.

Thanks for helping make my life what it is. And I mean that in a good way!

Cheers.

F

Another Conversation

Hi again,

Maybe it really is that simple. On Monday I told Dr. M I wasn’t sure which came first, the lustful searching or the depression. He asked me how I felt last week when I started searching. I told him I felt really upbeat but by the next day my mood started deteriorating. Simple. I'd like to think I “wasn’t sure” because I hadn’t taken two seconds to think about it. But the truth is I suspected I wouldn't like the answer so I chose not to think about it.

Maybe it really is that simple. I’ve been taught it’s the first drink that gets me drunk and gets me in trouble because unlike “normal” drinkers I don’t stop after the first one. So why is it so difficult for me to understand that it’s not the adulterous mission accomplished that gets me in trouble, it’s the first internet “peek?” The truth is it’s not “difficult for me to understand”...it’s difficult for me to "accept" because I just don’t like it.

Maybe it really is that simple. Not easy. Not fun. Just simple.

Thanks guy. Talk to you later.

K

A Conversation

Hey Guy,

I've been told that sometimes it comes down to just you and me.

What am I supposed to be learning? Why do I keep smashing my head against the brick wall?

My goals:

1) Fearlessly make a difference in the world
2) Use the multitude of gifts I have been given to align myself with your will for me and to do your work
3) Repent – not just apologize but repent - for my selfish and dishonest actions that have harmed those I love and many others, too
4) Treat those I love with respect and care…in fact treat all people that way
5) Practice my AA program in all of my affairs
6) Live with honesty and humility

My actions:

1) With pomposity, write, talk and think about making a difference in the world
2) Whine about my lot in life - pity parties all day long. Complain about all the people in my life who are not living up to my expectations for them
3) At almost any opportunity spend countless hours on the internet looking for fantasy fulfillment of lustful desires and trying to set up actual meetings for adulterous fulfillment of those desires
4) Continue to hide my actions from those I love; endanger them by exposing myself and them to diseases
5) Practice my AA program very inconsistently...usually when it is convenient or when things get bad
6) Continue to lie and practice arrogance

Yep. There’s a big gap there.

I’m aware of it. I want it to change. Until I start thinking it might feel really good to see one, touch one, use one. Then I’m not strong.

Think think think. Desire desire desire. Self-will. Self-loathing. Self self self. Time for another...the ongoing...pity party.

AA has taught me that on any given day my sobriety, my sanity are only as good as my spiritual condition. I don’t think my spiritual condition is very good. In meetings I hear people talking about how great their relationship is with their higher power. They give me ideas about how to improve my relationship with you. I listen to those ideas, nod my head with an inspired look on my face and then leave the meeting to continue the status quo.

That’s why I’m having this conversation with you. A conversation. One sided, but conversant.

What am I supposed to be learning? Is it really as simple as it seems to be? I’m afraid if it is I won’t get what I want. Just another look, another touch, another human being used for my pleasure.

That’s why I’m having this conversation with you. I guess sometimes it really is just you and me.

You could signal me if you like this. Or maybe you are. Whatever.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

K

Yeah, K

Fear is the Root of All...

The root of all "evil" sounds a little grandiose.

Grandiosity (hope that's a word - let's pretend it is even if it isn't). A real problem for alcoholics. And a real problem for me. One of the dangers of blogging. Talk talk talk (OK, write write write). Clap clap clap. What a nice, smart, honest, loving, thoughtful, unselfish, blah blah blah person you are. Well gosh, I must be. Even these people that don't know me think I am. EXACTLY, Einstein.

Can we move on and continue talking about me?

Yes indeed. Let's do. Recovering alcoholic. Queer man trapped in straight marriage. Trapped? C'mon. Be honest. Remember, she knew your desires. You knew your desires. Trapped is bullshit. You are not noble. You are not special. You treated her like shit at the pinnacle of your insanity. Still do when you're having a bad time. "Boohoo, I'm depressed." Like you are some kind of hero or something. Not trapped. Unbelievably lucky that she didn't (and hasn't) kicked your ass to the curb. To the cliff. And over it.

You are a recovering lunatic. With a one day reprieve. On a good day. End of story.

Beginning of story. BA. Before Alcohol. Don't you dare try to blame alcohol for your character defects.

Beginning of story. Grandiosity. Big plans. In your head. If only. Someday. Sounds pathetic when you're sober. BUT, sounds noble, even grand, with something to take the edge off the truth.

Pour me another one. Another ten. Passed out. Hung over. Oooo, can't start on those big plans yet...not feeling so good. I'll get right on it tomorrow. TOMORROW. Is it 5:00 yet. Can I pour you some wine, I'm having some? It's 5:00 somewhere.

Those (fill in the blank) are assholes. They are destroying the world. Wait till I (fill in the blank) and then I'll change the world. I'll show them. Do we have another bottle of cabernet? I need to sit in bed. I'm really sleepy.

AA blah blah blah. Big Book blah blah blah. Quakers blah blah blah. St. Francis blah blah blah. Prison service work blah blah blah. I wish I had more (time, money, intelligence, motivation...fill it in). Then I would (end wars, save the AIDS babies, adopt an African, be on the cover of US Weekly, travel in my own Gulfstream V, fill in the blank).

Saint by association.

For almost 50 years I've been playing out a very grand life between my ears while at the same time neglecting the basics. Why? Lots of reasons. But at the end of the excuse path I see the big monster. Fear. Fear of (failing, being called queer, getting tired, being hated, being laughed at, getting sick, hurting, losing something, not getting something). Fear. It's real.

But not as real as Death. Death is the next stop after Fear. Fear is the billboard. Death the destination. It's real. What's it like to live in the little stretch of road between Fear and Death?

I'd better get moving. Today. Out of my head, past Fear but on this side of Death. Now. With what I have.

See ya there. If I can get my lazy ass out of bed.

Flip

What Happened To My Manners?

I owe everyone an apology for not responding to the thoughtful and insightful comments you have made to my posts since I returned.

I have now added responses in the comment section of each post.

I'll also try to be a better blog friend by checking your blogs and commenting more regularly.

I'm sorry - and thanks for sticking with me even though I've been pretty damned thoughtless!

Flip

More Stuff

While I was gone I got away from my AA program. The nearest meetings were far away from the hotel in which I was staying. But it could have been worse. In one of those interesting twists of fate....or whatever...the other person from my company with whom I was on this "mission," someone I had never met before and who lives in a different country, turned out to be an AA member also. It took us a couple of days to figure this out about each other, but it turned out to be a really nice thing. I don't think I would have had a drink had that person not been there, but it certainly made things a lot more enjoyable and easier. Plus I have a new contact to talk to when I'm having a bad day - and likewise for him.

I'm slowly getting back into the groove. I've noticed my moods and behavior are not as serene as I would like. But I know what to do. Go to more meetings. Get out of my own head. Think of others.

Since returning it has become clearer than ever to me that my wife's and my relationship had gone to hell long before I ever decided I needed to be more gay and announced I was leaving a couple of years ago. I am not using this as a way to excuse my misbehavior...the lying and cheating...the incredible, shameful selfishness and cowadice. But I do think those behaviors would have been harder for me had our relationship been as strong then as it had at times in the past.

Since returning from my trip I am beginning to remember what it was like back in the days when our relationship was strong. What it was like to feel confident in being loved and in showing love. I don't know how all that got away. I do know it was a slow, insidious progression. One that was easy to overlook in the chaos of American, middle-class family life. One that was easy to medicate away with increasing doses of wine and bourbon.

Without getting graphic, Sunday night I was reminded of how much I enjoy having sex with women. OK, one particular woman. It doesn't mean I don't lust after men as much as ever. That hasn't changed. That has always been a constant in my life. But I'm starting to remember now why I thought it was a good idea to marry a woman. One particular woman. And it wasn't just because I was young, stupid and horny, even though I was.

I readily allow misery into my life these days. Happiness I shy away from. It's a real struggle for me to embrace these good feelings and positive insights. But I'm going to try to hang on to them long enough to get back into my AA groove which I know will help me incorporate them into my life and build on them.

Life is good. It's all we have, so it kind of has to be. Unless it isn't.

I love you guys.

Flip

The Fog is Lifting Slowly

VERY slowly. Since returning I've tried to conjure even a slightly coherent post in my head with nothing to show for the effort. Truly, I'm not trying to be difficult. It is just taking me much longer to get back on track than I expected.

Being so far away both in miles and culture did remind me of and teach me a few things. The most important lesson is how crucial my family and my friends are to my positive, productive existence in this world.

Perhaps it was different with my old friend alcohol by my side...I truly can't remember...but I am now a person who would much rather isolate myself than make new connections and interact with the world. I know, being in a strange place with strange working hours and jet lag is not a particularly relevant experiment. But I detected an underlying pattern of behavior that could have been easily excused with a daily dose of anesthetic.

On top of that, they really seemed to be glad I was back. That was nice too.

This lesson is very important to me in the context of my current life. It gives me a sense that being honest with myself really does mean not only accepting my sexuality but acknowledging that making every effort to stay married to the person I committed my life to all those years ago is the right thing to do. For me. Today.

Yeah, I still wonder sometimes. Crazy, huh.

This trip taught me a few other things, too. Maybe they will seem worth sharing. We'll see.

Thanks for being there. I missed you.

Flip

I'm Back

My physical self is back. The rest of me is somewhere between 13 time zones away and here.

I'll catch up when I catch up.

Flip