A Quiz

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (quoting the Bible) says, "Faith without works is dead."

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QUIZ

Question 1 (fill in the blank) Pride without humble action is ________.

(My answer is "vain and cowardly.")


Question 2 (essay) Assume my intent is not to force the world to embrace me so that I can then embrace myself, but rather to make the world a kinder place for others in my situation so they can come out of the shadows and develop their full potential. And to help young people with similar feelings make decisions based on something other than society's prejudice.

What pride-inspired humble actions are indicated for a (no longer closeted) bisexual man married to a woman?


Since I don't have the answers this test will not be graded.

Why...

...is this so difficult for some people to understand?

Thanks to Kelly for the photo and the passion behind it.

Today I'm proud to be me, just the way I am. And I'm grateful for everyone in my life who loves me just the way I am even when I can't.

Have a great day.

Flip

Did The Wind Just Shift?

A couple of years ago I was newly sober and trying to extract myself from the insanity of living a full-fledged double life – wife, family and single boyfriend (to whose upkeep I was contributing significantly – see various and sundry earlier posts if you are interested, but it’s really more sad than fascinating).

I remember one conversation I had with my sponsor during that period when the end of my so-called relationship with aforementioned bf was not going very smoothly…at all. As I was complaining about the bf’s behavior and also mentioning my responses, retaliation, etc. my sponsor asked me what my goal was related to bf. I said, “I just want him out of my life,” to which he very wisely replied, “If you want him out of your life so much, why do you keep showing up in his?” Bingo. Ouch.

I bring this up because recently I have revived the goal of making my sexual preference and the associated conflicts it generates in my life as a man married to a woman (as much of) a non-issue (as possible). Meaning I would like to quit obsessing over finding the perfect solution to the situation, instead spending the energy and focus on other things.

So if my goal is to make this situation a non-issue, why do I keep making it an issue?

Why do I think about it constantly? Why do I talk about it so much to my therapist? Why do I blog about it incessantly? Although it is a big issue, perhaps a little right-sizing wouldn't hurt.



St. Francis is my hero. He is my Tiger Woods. I’m not an expert on St. Francis’ life. I’m not a Catholic. In fact I don’t even think I’m a Christian, though I certainly believe using Jesus as a role model is a great idea for any and all.

Regardless of those limitations, my goal is to eventually live a life as similar to (my shallow understanding of) St. Francis’ life as possible. Similar like owning as few possessions as possible. Like helping other people directly by sharing their struggles and their attempts to overcome those struggles. Like renouncing and fighting situations and forces that deny huge populations of people on this earth the chance to live lives imbued with even the most basic dignity.

Like a (very) novice golfer aspiring to retire on a golf course with no handicap, I have a long, long way to go. I’m fond of (way too many) creature comforts. I talk a lot about helping the downtrodden, but other than a once per week service work opportunity, it’s all talk. I work in an industry focused on encouraging ever-greater consumption by the haves. And I’ve got a lot of possessions I need to get rid of.

But it's a goal.

Yes, No, It Doesn't Matter

Thanks to all for the insightful comments on my last post. I agree with each of your comments.

It seems the answer is more dependent on the respondent's interpretation and judgment of the question than on any absolute truth. Which perhaps, in theory, characterizes (to some degree at least?) any question which can be asked.

Hypoxic's reference to Bill W. reminded me that the way I answer the question - in fact perhaps my very need to ask the question - is an indicator of how well I am working my AA program (ie my spiritual condition) at that time. BTW, I'm talking about myself only. I'm not implying any judgment whatsoever of those who commented on the question!

I guess what I'm trying to say can be summed up in two AA suggestions. The one Hypoxic quoted, "To thine own self be true," and "Accept life on life's terms." When I'm working on those two objectives, the question I asked in my last post is irrelevant for me.

Would it...

...be easier if I fit neatly into a recognizable category?

An Opportunity

As I wrote yesterday, I don't know what love is. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. It's just a statement of a fact from my perspective. And it's an opportunity.

Today's Touchstones passage refers to people's concept of romantic love vs. durable love. A couple of years ago I did not think I was in love with my wife. I thought maybe I had been at one time, but I really wasn't sure. As stated above I now realize I don't know what love is so I can't answer the question right now.

A couple of years ago when my wife appealed to me to give our marriage a chance out of respect for our 25+ year relationship, she gave me an opportunity to make a go of (re?)building a durable love with her.

From June 9 Touchstones:

Honesty and learning how to resolve difficulties
provide a solid foundation for durable love.
Some relationships do not survive the honesty
of recovery. Sometimes the development
of honest love only begins with recovery.
The love that endures, the love of real
intimacy, comes when we know the real person.
Loyalty to our loved ones may deepen as we
deal more and more with reality.

I am very grateful for the opportunity I have been given to build a durable love with the most special person in my life. I don't know what the outcome will be. But I've learned that I'm not responsible for the outcome as long as I focus on doing the next right thing.

Take care,

Flip

Why

To Love Is To Bury
- Margo and Michael Timmons of The Cowboy Junkies

I buried him down by the river
'cause that's where he liked to be
and every night when the moon is high
I go there and weep openly

He and I were married
By this river 'neath this willow tree
and with God and friends witnessing it
He pledged his life to me

To me he was Earth
and I rooted in his soil
I to he was Sky vast and free
of the burdens from which he toiled

Then one night a terrible fight
Words spoken better left unsaid
With his wedding vows ringing in my ears
He gave his life to me

They say to love is to bury
Those demons from which we all hide
But tonight by this river 'neath this willow tree
Becoming one of Earth and Sky.

Why do I love this song? Love it possibly more than any other song I have ever heard?

Thinking of the title has always conjured a weird, excited, confused, uncomfortable feeling in me. Like the looking-down-from-the-very-top-of-the-biggest-hill-on the-rollercoaster feeling mixed with the losing-my-stomach feeling as we plunge down the hill. The way I feel when tryng to understand things which are for me paradoxical, such as Mobius strips. In fact the feeling reminds me of the feeling of that first supremely magically horrifying orgasm...when playing in the bathtub changed from being about rubber duckies to…..well you get the picture. I digress. Or maybe not.

When I was considering a blog of my own, one title I considered was, “To Love is to Bury.”

I do not understand Mobius strips. I realize they can be defined mathematically (cue friend Troll), which brings me no comfort whatsoever. I realize I can be defined chemically and physically, which brings me no comfort whatsoever. Simultaneous with my discomfort is a warm, enveloping comfort brought by that weird, excited feeling.

I have no faith that I will ever understand a Mobius strip. I may one day understand the mathematics. But I don’t think that weird dis(comfort) excitement confusion will go away. I hope it won’t. Except for those times I think I will absolutely die if it does not go away immediately.

What is love? I don’t know.

Although I don’t understand exactly what it means, I believe with all my heart and soul that to love is to bury those demons from which we all hide.

I love you

Flip

The Doctor's Opinion

A few days ago I met with Dr. M, my esteemed shrink. We reviewed my recent observation of the progress I’ve made over the past 2+ years as discussed in my last post. As usual, we also discussed my sexual orientation and recent struggles with the temptations of anonymous sex and alcohol.

Feeling strangely optimistic, I asked the doctor for his prognosis.

He said, “I believe you will always struggle with this.”

I agree. And today I’m OK with that. In fact, I’m grateful for it. This queer...no, strike that...this bisexual (thanks Brad!) drunk has a chance to be the person he’s supposed to be. And I believe that person needs to have experienced the joys and the struggles I have experienced plus those I will face as long as I am given the gifts of sobriety and life.

It’s taken me a while to realize this…again. And I often forget it. (Hello past month).

I hope you’re having a good day. I am.

Flip

Progress

During last weeks' trip out of town, late one night in my hotel room when I was feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself, I sent my Flip-side, Brad over at Southern Expressions (I assume you all visit his porch regularly - if you don't, you should) an email. I'm hoping he doesn't mind if I quote a bit of what I wrote. I was really surprised how it tied in with the passage for yesterday in Touchstones, A Daily Meditation for Men .

Please forgive me for once again quoting from that book. I'm going to have to start paying royalties I quote from it so much, but it often really speaks to me.

Here's the June 3 Touchstones reading:

Almost anything you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
you do it.
- Mohandas Ghandi

Looking back at yesterday, looking at today, what sense do we have of progress in our growth? Probably nothing very significant. Sometimes it is amazing how little a person can accomplish in a day's efforts. Yet, what alternative do we have? Only that we could do nothing. Or worse, we could return to our old ways.

Ghandi, one of the greatest spiritual leaders of our century, said he felt that almost anything one can do will be insignificant. Yet to do something is very important. Each day, each chance is small but takes us in a direction. When we look back over the last month or last year, we may see that only remaining faithful to our program, one day at a time, has carried us a very long way. The kind of person we each become is just as important as what we accomplish in the world around us.

May I learn to have patience with the insignificant moments in the
present. They are very important indeed.

And here's a slightly edited excerpt from my email:

...I've really calmed down a lot since my last visit here when I acted out
sexually. I think going to meetings every day and calling my sponsor every
day have helped. I've had some real cravings for a drink in the past
week. That's something I have rarely had over the past year and it has
really gotten my attention. Last night I went to an 11PM meeting here
in [Gotham City] - one that I went to a lot two years ago when I spent most of every week up here and I was first getting sober. I would stay up really late every night wandering around town instead of staying in my hotel room where my pattern for years was to drink until I passed out. Anyway, it's a really neat AA group because of the
diversity - late at night in a not necessarily good part of town. I really
enjoy those meetings because it is all about recovery. As I sat
there last night it was good for me to remember how utterly lost and
defeated I felt two years ago. I did not see any solution for the mess I
had made of my life. Often the only time I felt any peace was in
those meetings...

I am truly grateful for the gift of sobriety I have been given, and by the patience and love shown by those around me as I make progress.

Hope you are having a great day.

Flip

Trying

Recently I've felt disconnected from my blog and from the blog world (along with other parts of my life). I'm not sure why, but I think it's a result of an extended trip to a different hemisphere combined with a reduced commitment to working my AA program, a very hectic work schedule and some sub-optimal mental and emotional states since returning.

Regardless of the reason, I want you to know that although I've not found (made?) time to thoroughly catch up on each of your blogs and I have not posted to my blog with the consistency or quality I would like, I really would like to catch up on everyone's life and give back a little of the inspiration and thoughtfulness you so freely give me. The willingness is there. Perhaps the action will follow. And for what it's worth, even when I'm not reading, commenting and posting, you are in my thoughts each day.

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I hate/love it when someone holds an unfrosted mirror up right in front of my face.
In a recent comment on my blog RJ said, "You just got to own up to who you are and stop making excuses for yourself. It's tired and dated and unfair to your partner."

Now that's the unvarnished truth if I ever heard it, and I've already been inspired by it. Thanks RJ.

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I continue on my 90 meetings in 90 days effort along with calling my sponsor every day. It has really helped me begin a return to that peaceful place of gratitude, humility and surrender.

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A few new faces have popped up from the grass to leave comments. I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to read the crap I write. And if you're still hiding in the grass, I hope you know I appreciate the fact that you're there. And maybe someday you'll want to pop up and shout something out. But it's fine if you don't. All are welcome.

CheersNA,

Flip