The Big Guy Speaks

I got an e-mail from Flip yesterday, and with his permission I'm sharing it here with you.

Hi, Brad.

Can't use the computer now. Gmail forwarded here so I can check on the cell. Hope all is well with the porch. Thanks again for taking care of it. I really miss you guys. Feeling out of place here among all the normal people. Really wish I could numb myself for a little while, but know its not worth it. Just tired of being me and having a little pity party to celebrate. Well, thanks for listening.

Flip

He sent a follow up e-mail giving me permission to use this one. He also mentioned to only continue doing the posts here if I was having fun.

He has his comments set up so they go to his e-mail and he's seeing the responses to my posts, I assume.

I have a friend here in Memphis that reads my blog and has been checking on what I write over here at Flip's blog as well. I ran into him last night and he asked me if I was okay, because I'm writing about this Dad stuff. (I asked him if he had ever read any of this blog, and other than my posts, he has not.) Trust me, bud, it's a context sort of thing.

I think I do have a unique perspective to lend to this particular blog, being the son of a gay dad. Flip has been telling one side of the story and I've just been giving my thoughts on the other side. It would really be a shame not to include that here while I have the opportunity.

That said, in my first post I did hint that I wouldn't write about this subject to the point of ad nauseam.

We really are going to have some fun over here as Flip suggests. That I promise.

Thanks for the concern guys. It's good to have friends. But, really, I'm fine. This is stuff that clutters my mind on a daily basis, anyway. Putting it to words doesn't change that fact and is not a big deal.

Keep in mind, when you're posting comments here, Flip will read them. Judging from his e-mail he might could use some well-wishes in his travels.

Everyone, be safe, be well and be loved.

Brad, your "Temp Flip"

Issues of the Son

My parents divorced when I was seven. I'm thirty-two now and still have abandonment issues.

In my my mind, I have a good understanding of the reasons for the divorce. That's not a problem. But, a part of me is still stuck in the same place. I still resent my father not being around when I was growing up. Not all of this is nescessarily his fault mind you, but my adult self has great difficulty reasoning with this child in my head.

I'm trying to speak about my feelings today and the words aren't coming easy. I'd rather sit down and write you a story about something I observed, someone I spoke to or a task I performed. This self introspection is difficult, at least for me.

I really love Dad. He's a good, gentle, compassionate sort of man. Intelligent in a quiet way. If he weren't related to me, I would still be happy to count him as a friend. We both have a lot in common, including the gay thing. When we talk, we can talk for a couple of hours, about anything and everything. (Can anyone imagine swapping stories with their dad about their boyfriend, life partner, whatever? Seeing a hot guy, and pointing him out to your dad?)

So, why don't we see each other more often or talk on the phone more frequently?

Flip has a way of expressing his feelings so much more clearly than I can. Maybe I should be in therapy, but my thought is that I would ultimately just bullshit my way through it. For me, until I'm ready to open up and tear the wall down, it would be a total waste of time.

We don't interact more often because when we do, often times we make each other depressed. I sense that we both try not to talk about the time when we did not see each other. There is the unspoken void of time that there are no memories to share. Even without saying it, no matter what we do, the void, the lack of memories, good and bad, is still there.

He could never apologize enough, and I would never stop asking questions.

Cheers.

Brad, your "Temp Flip".

P.S.: After reading this, it doesn't make a lot of sense unless you see my previous post as your humble guest blogger.

Do NOT call me Joan Rivers.

Ok, I admit, I was half-joking when I suggested being your guest blog host over here. I know some of you read my blog: Southern Expressions. It's usually a lighter take on life and seldom do I get into the intense self-exploration that Flip does here.

At first, you might think that I would be the least likely person to write here in Flip's absence. I'm a mostly open gay guy with a husband. Flip is a self-proclaimed "queer" (I hate that word, but Flip seems to like it.) with a family and struggles with his "bi" issues.

But, we do connect. My dad is gay and lived a closeted existence for the ten years that he was married to my mother. That may be what we talk about the most here in Flip's absence. (I certainly do reserve the right to post different topics as well. Three weeks of thinking and posting on my relationship with dad might get a little depressing for me. Maybe for you as well.)

For now though, I'll just introduce myself to you the same way I did at my blog in January of this year. This was my first post:

I had this to say at "Gay Empire" today following the results of a poll on the relationship that one has had with ones parents. I think it is a good way to get this blog rolling as it reveals a lot about me.

My parents divorced when I was seven. One of the reasons for the divorce was the lack of affection that my dad showed to my mother. He didn't tell her, but he was gay.

In my instance, I do believe I was genetically predisposed to be gay. But, I don't nescessarily believe that
every homosexual is "hard-wired", if you will, from birth. I think sometimes it could be caused by environmental cues. I could buy that. Ones sexuality is so complex that there could be any number of reasons that someone is either "gay" or "straight".

It seems to me, (and as I'm typing this I'm finding myself being very careful not to use the word "case" in a psychological sense) that over-analyzing the so-called causes of ones sexuality only adds fuel to the fire of those that think my lifestyle is abnormal. To me, it is not a choice, and it is far more natural for me to want to be in the company of men (sexually and otherwise) than women. I remember preferring men over women from a very young age.

When I answered the poll question this week, I was thinking that none of the options really describe my relationship with my parents accurately enough. (Not that the Emporer didn't provide plenty of choices, mind you.) So, for lack of a better description, I chose that my father was absent.

After my parents divorced, my mother remarried and I was raised by her and my stepfather. I was never (and still am not) particularly close to my mother. I identified more with my dad from the time I was small. However, my dad found a partner soon after the divorce, moved away, and has devoted the last 25+ years to him. I rarely saw him then, and I rarely see him now. I have friends that think it is great that I have a gay dad and assume that we have a good relationship because we have this in common. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is immersed in his own life, and I suppose I am with mine.

What I'm really getting to is this: I don't think that homosexuality can be boiled down to the results of a poll, and in a way it almost cheapens the complexity and nuances of sexuality in general. There are many factors involved other than merely the relationship that one has with one's parents. To me, rather than trying to determine a cause or cure, let's just celebrate the fact of our sexuality, whatever it may be, and the idea that we can be attracted to and love anyone at all.

To those of you that have read this post before at my blog or at Gay Empire, my apologies to you. This is just a great way to show the good readers where I'm coming from and who I am.

To those of you that I've never "met", welcome. Please comment if you wish. I'd like to get to know more about you as well.

Safe travels Flip. Thank you for the opportunity.

Oh and cheers, everyone!

Brad, the "Temp Flip"

And Sitting in For Johnny Tonight...

Greetings from jetlag land!

Brad has had a(nother) wonderful idea. During this time of unreliable postings he is going to be my guest host.

I'm wondering if he'll also be leaving comments for me on other folks' blogs. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

This is gonna be fun.

Take it away Brad!

Cheers.

Flip

Now, Then, Now Again, Tomorrow

Now

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.
- Babatunde Olatunji

I first heard this quote...where else?.....in an AA meeting. I love this! One of my greatest challenges is living now. For a long time I didn't even know I needed to do that. Then someone introduced me to the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The premise made a lot of sense to me, but until I got sober I really had no clue how to implement the concepts in my life.

While looking up the above quote online I found this great web page of "Now" quotes (click now if you want to see it) on a site called "Wisdom Quotes." I like quotes because they're easy to remember (and, of course, handy when it's my turn to speak in AA meetings and I draw a blank) so I've added this site to my ever-expanding favorites list.


Then

In a recent Step One* meeting (Step One is always the topic when there's a newcomer - first meeting - in the room) someone mentioned that when he first came to AA he questioned if he were really an alcoholic. His sponsor suggested remembering the first time he drank, the last time he drank plus any "memorable" drinking incidents in between. Even though I'm convinced I'm an alcoholic I tried it. Yikes!

The last time I drank (except for some farewell wine the night before my first AA meeting) was one night when I had reached a point where I couldn't stand the pain of what I was doing to myself and my family, so I drank, no gulped, Jack Daniels straight from the bottle. Unremarkable for a good old Southern drunk like me. What was extraordinary was that it did not take away the pain. Not at all. Let me repeat. IT DID NOT RELIEVE THE PAIN AT ALL. That scared the shit out of me.

Very often people say that's what finally drove them to AA. The alcohol quit working. Of course a lot of people also decide they need to quit before the alcohol quits. And unfortunately a lot of people aren't able to quit drinking even when the alcohol does quit working. I believe that was the situation with my friend L. But of course I'll never know for sure since he's dead now.


Now Again

That sobering (sorry) train of thought reminds me of the daily reprieve I have from getting drunk. I'm so grateful for that gift. And I'm so grateful for all of you, the friends I have made in blogland. And I'm just as grateful for any of you who stop by every once in a while to see what's going on in my world. Maybe someday you will, as Brad would say, "Join us on the porch." Or maybe not. It doesn't matter. I'm glad you're there.


Tomorrow

Just so you know, starting tomorrow and continuing for the next two to three weeks I'm going to be away from home. That means I may or may not have a chance to read your blogs and add to mine. It is nothing sinister...a planned outage if you will. But I will stop by as much as I can. And even if I can't you will all be on my mind.

Take care.

Flip

* Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Abstractions, Answers, Apology

Abstractions

From Touchstones, A Book of Daily Meditations for Men, April 19 entry.

Some of us, observing that ideals are rarely
achieved, proceed to the error of considering them worthless. Such an error is greatly harmful. True North cannot be reached either, since it is an abstraction, but it is of enormous importance, as all the world's travelers can attest.

- Steve Allen

*************************************************************

I do accept standards for my life. I will not beat on myself for my imperfections.

This helps me remember that it is OK, in fact healthy, to accept the gap between my behavior and my ideals. But it is also important to keep trying to narrow that gap.

Answers

Here are some questions A Troll at Sea asked a while back and my answers:

How many of you still want to stay married?

I do.

How many of you have given up or would give up sex with men to stay married?

I am trying, obviously without complete success. My most recent slip occurred after 87 “clean” days during which I rarely, if ever, thought about straying. Recently I am learning a lot from reading Life Ajar and Defending the Raven about the importance of trying to communicate more openly with my wife about my sexual needs rather than compartmentalizing them.

How many of you think you can come out and stay married? How many of your wives can bear remaining in relationship with you once you come out?

I came out before I was married. Within the past two years I came out to close family and friends. My wife continues to be willing to stay married.

How many of you have given up or would give up your marriages to be free as gay men?

I tried to give it up a couple of years ago. Now I am trying not to.

How many of you think you can have your cake and eat it too? [That seems to me to be an attractive but essentially impossible proposition, but what do I know?]

I thought I could. I still wish I could, but so far I have not found a way to do it and achieve my other ideals.

I know that some of us married knowing we "had been" gay; others of us have discovered that they were gay without acting on it. I think that it is fair to say that what we ALL have in common is that the resolution of the issue is going to involve a great deal of suffering on someone's part; who suffers, and who decides who suffers? I am only now beginning to take on board the magnitude of what I am talking about.

There does not seem to be a perfect resolution to this issue. Complicated issues require decisions and compromise. The fact of our queerness and marriedness makes this issue seem uniquely complicated, but one of the many things I'm learning from reading The Truth About Tom is that we have much more in common with straight men than we often care to admit. Perhaps if we back up and view our dilemma as a variation on an “evolving relationship / stage of life” issue that would help.

I am also beginning to get the awful feeling that I am the only person out here on this electronic plain who is not at all sure gaining his freedom is worth losing his family; things are a little complicated in my case because I don't even know whether I could be happy living as a gay man, free or otherwise, which makes the thought of jeopardizing what I have seem a lot less appealing, if not pointless. But I would welcome all your comments, from wherever you are on the spectrum. If you have already posted your thoughts on the subject, send me a link. No judgments, no preconceptions -- I really just want to know where you are.

You are most certainly not alone in questioning the family / freedom trade-off. Perhaps your "electronic plain" perception may have something to do with the limitations of human beings trying to express very fluid, complicated and contradictory feelings in written form.


Apology

I owe A Troll at Sea and you an apology. On Monday Troll posted a long comment (click here) about a couple of my recent posts. Although I denied it to myself at the time, in retrospect I clearly took offense at some of what I thought he said.

I didn't like it. It made me feel bad. Boohoo.

I didn’t want to believe that I took offense because I honestly didn’t think I should take offense at anything anyone writes about me or my blog. Why? If I take offense they might not want to read my blog and / or comment anymore. They might not like me!

So I took my feelings underground. I created a passive/aggressive smokescreen. In a comment on his post I implied that Troll falsely accused me of accusing him of playing with fire. But (after a less-than-exhaustive search) all I could find was one quote where I indicated that I was the one playing with fire. For what it's worth, I did believe this at the time and was only vaguely aware of my discomfort with Troll's post. Ah, the glory of martyrdom. Self-pity dolled up to look noble. Childish.

The next day in an AA meeting someone said, "When I don't like what someone is saying I had better listen very carefully because it means I've got a problem." Bingo. Ouch!

Today I paged back through Troll’s blog looking for his questions Woe recently answered so I could cut, paste and answer them. I scrolled past some words that looked very familiar. Whoa! They were from an email I sent him a while back. “Now, as to what I have recommended. My advice is based solely on my experience -- with most valuable lessons learned the hard way. You seem like a pretty manic, spontaneous guy. Nothing wrong with those characteristics except when you are playing with fire. You are currently playing with fire. Slow down. That's my advice.”

Oooo, I hate it when that happens! Growing up sucks!

I falsely accused Troll. I was not rigorously honest in my communications with him. Troll, and you readers who expect me to be honest, please accept my apology. In the future I will try to more carefully examine my motives before posting and commenting.

Take care,

Flip

Outcomes

As Hypoxic has reminded us, we have no right to complain about the outcome of an election in which we choose not to vote. If you or someone you know is not already registered to vote, please click here and go now to Hypoxic's website where he has thoughtfully provided voter registration information for all states.


Now we return to our irregularly scheduled programming.

Excerpts from the April 18 entry in Touchstones, A Book of Daily Meditations for Men:

We hear comments like, “Hang in there” “Don’t quit now,” “Don’t give up the ship!” When our outlook is gloomy and pessimistic, we should remember we are not in charge and we are not all-knowing. We cannot predict what will be around the next corner. If a difficult problem looms before us, we cannot be sure what help might also be there for us to meet the problem.

Our compulsion for control tempts us to quit and give ourselves over to defeat. Then the outcome would be settled and predictable. We no longer would have to live with the insecurity of not knowing the future…

…We aren’t in control of outcomes, but we can choose now to “hang in there” and to give our energy only to positive solutions.

************************************************************

May I have the serenity to accept the process and the courage to be true to my part. Outcomes I will leave for the future.

When I could no longer stand the stress and uncertainty of the double life I chose to lead, I announced to my wife that I needed to move out and "try being gay." I was very sure that announcement would ensure an outcome. I was very wrong.

I used to think that in all matters the outcome was the important thing. Results were all that mattered. The end justified the means. That thinking got me into a lot of trouble and hurt a lot of people around me. Now I know better.

On a good day, I do my best to manage my part, and my part only, of the process. That means trying my hardest to do the next right thing. On a bad day, I try to manage to an outcome. Or I choose not to do the next right thing even when I know what it is.


Contrast

Last week I spent about 30 minutes with a stranger. It was not right but it felt good.

Last night I had dinner with my wife, kids and dog. We laughed together like people who love and respect each other. It was right and it felt better than good.

I'm not in charge, but I'm going to hang in there.

Stakes in the Ground

Warning: Heavy dose of AA follows.
Disclaimer: These are not official AA interpretations. They are my views alone.

In Step Five, we review with the God of our understanding and another human being (usually our sponsor) the exact nature of our wrongs which we identified in Step Four, our “searching and fearless moral inventory.”

Step Six: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step Seven: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

These two Steps are about growing up. Growing up to and through humility, selflessness, service and love. Growing up to be the person I want to be so I can accomplish the things I want to accomplish.

Unless I do my best to demonstrate that I am entirely ready to have my character defects removed by attempting to quit acting on them, asking is futile.

When I start acting on my character defects it is because I am feeling things I don’t want to feel, and for whatever reason I choose not to use the tools I know will allow me to feel those feelings in a healthy way.


My Stakes in the Ground for Today:

• I don’t believe anonymous sex is inherently wrong.
• I have made a decision to try to stay married to my wife. I will work to that end each day rather than focusing (obsessing?) on the ultimate outcome.
• I have made a decision to try to be rigorously honest.
• My wife and I have not agreed that our relationship is open to engaging in sexual activity with others.
• I am not comfortable asking my wife to agree to an open relationship for several reasons:

• She does not want an open relationship.

  Deep in my heart I don’t believe I want an open relationship.

  I don’t want to force her to choose between my leaving or agreeing to an open relationship because that would be disrespectful to
  her and our relationship. It would exceed the boundaries of taking care of myself and extend to selfishness.

  I believe forcing her to choose would be taking advantage of a psychological trauma she suffered as a young child. It is not my responsibility to fix the trauma but would be very wrong to take advantage of it.
  

• When I act on my character defects I should forgive myself as I would a close friend and then move on without wallowing in guilt or self-flagellation.
• Success is measured by progress not perfection.

Seventh Step prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) page 76:

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.

Thanks for being there.

Flip

Back to Basics

Thanks to everyone who has commented and emailed me regarding my last post. When I can, I would like to respond to your comments which were very insightful and thought provoking. I sincerely appreciate everyone taking the time to leave them and / or to email me.

For no single reason, this has been a really rough couple of weeks for me physically, mentally and emotionally This morning I commented that I just wanted to take a vacation from being me. Of course, that's why I used to drink. I couldn't stand being me.

That scares me.

My goal over the next few days is to try to focus on the basics that I know will get me back "on the beam." I will start by reading my two "Twenty-Four Hours a Day" posts. I need a reminder.

Peace to you all,

Flip

Smokin'

Honesty, integrity, restored relationships, God, service to mankind. Wow, that Flip really has his act together. He is so fucking inspirational. And humble, too. What an example for us all.

Hey, let's stop by his hotel room and see how he's doing. I'll bet he's reading something really spiritual out of the Big Book. I can't wait to see how he interprets it for us in his blog.

Hmmm. He's not there. I don't get it. It's kind of late. There are no AA meetings at this time. I swear he said he was staying at the Marriott. Oh, I know, he's probably out helping another alcoholic. You know, the whole service thing. See, the Diet Coke on the nightstand still has ice in it, so he hasn't been gone long. Look at the pad by the phone. The scribbles look like "Hilton rm 1814." I'll bet that's where he went. Looks like he rushed out of here. His laptop is still on, though AOL logged him off so it's been 30 minutes or so.

Let's go over to the Hilton. I'm sure he doesn't need our help, but it sure would be inspirational to see him imparting his spiritual wisdom to someone in person. Geez, I've never really seen a Twelfth Step call. And I thought he was just on Step Eight. Well, that's our overachiever. Man, this is gonna be exciting.

There's 1814. Jesus, look at that. That dude's really trying to hurt Flip. He must be one sick, violent son of a bitch. Hey, where are his clothes? God, what a pathetic drunk. But that's what heroes like Flip have to be ready for at any time. I know St. Francis would be proud of him.

Oh........OH....geez, I don't get it. Wow, I'm not sure they're fighting. I mean, Flip's here so this has to be about helping...you know, doing the right thing because he wants to? Just cause we don't understand exactly doesn't mean...um...you know, like maybe Flip took off his clothes too so the jerk didn't feel so embarassed. Right? Maybe?

Oh brother. This isn't. I mean, that's Flip, but it looks like.....um, I mean I'm not sure how that's helping...well, I mean not HELPING helping. I don't know what to say. Well, they don't need our help. Geez, let's get out of here. They need a little privacy.

Part 2 - Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Well, now I remember why I liked the April 6 "A. A. Thought for the Day" in Twenty-Four Hours a Day (see last post). Because the next three "Thought for the Day" entries (April 7-9) give succinct recommendations for how this alcoholic can overcome his personality problems.

Although the premise seems to be the personality problems must be solved to stay sober, for me (and probably for a lot of other folks too) the opposite is also true. I had no hope of either realizing how serious my personality problems were or being able to solve them as long as I was drinking. In fact the personality problems and the drinking became worse and worse together.

That's why I am sincerely grateful to be an alcoholic for whom things got bad enough that I made my way to AA. My personality problems predate my drinking. They would be problems even if I had never taken a drink. But I'm not sure I would ever have found the combination of identified need and workable solution if I were not an alcoholic.

Just a reminder that I'm only talking about me. My particular problems. My alcoholic tendencies. There are lots of recovered alcoholics who are not grateful for being alcoholic. There are lots of people who drink, lots, who don't have serious personality problems. There are lots of people with personality problems who don't need such a dramatic motivation to solve those problems.

On to the "Thought(s) for the Day":

April 7

In A. A. alcoholics find a way to solve their personality
problems. They do this by recovering three things. First, they recover their
personal integrity. They pull themselves together. They get honest with
themselves and with other people. They face themselves and their problems
honestly, instead of running away. They take a personal inventory of themselves
to see where they really stand. Then they face the facts instead of making
excuses for themselves. Have I recovered my integrity?

Boy I hated having to do this. And I still do sometimes. It means I don't always get to do what I want to do. But, as I once heard in an AA meeting, it sure feels good not to wake up in bed every morning with my two old friends, Guilt and Remorse. I could never wake up earlier than they could when I was betraying my wife and family. I hope I always remember how much I hate them.

April 8

Second, alcoholics recover their faith in a Power greater
than themselves. They admit that they're helpless by themselves and they call on
that Higher Power for help. They surrender their lives to God, as they
understand Him. They put their drink problem in God's hands and leave it there.
They recover their faith in a Higher Power that can help them. Have I recovered
my faith?

Well, "recover" isn't the right word for me. I never had any faith in a higher power. Even when I occasionally thought I did, I really didn't. I couldn't. I didn't even understand what it meant.

Now it is such a relief to realize I can surrender what I used to feel simultaneously responsible for and powerless over. This approach also helps me deal with being a queer who wants to stay with his wife. I have a lot to learn in the higher power department, but this change has already been an incredible gift.

April 9

Third, alcoholics recover their proper relationship with
other people. They think less about themselves and more about others. They try
to help other alcoholics. They make new friends so that they're no longer
lonely. They try to live a life of service instead of selfishness. All their
relationships with other people are improved. They solve their personality
problems by recovering their personal integrity, their faith in a Higher Power,
and their way of fellowship and service to others. Is my drink problem solved as
long as my personality problem is solved?

Wow, did I have a lot to repair in the relationship department. I still do. A LOT! But I'm making progress. And now I'm dipping a toe into service for others - real service, not service "with strings." Spider-like service. Another great gift.

Sometimes I'm sad that it took 46 years for me to find my way to this remedial growing-up class. But that passes very quickly into extreme gratitude that I was led to the class at all. What a gift!

Take care,

Flip

Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Part of the routine for many of us recovering drunks is trying to start each day with meditation, prayer and daily readings from various inspirational books. Unfortunately there are many days that I still don't make time to do this even though I know my day will go better if I do. This morning I caught up on several days' worth of readings.

One of my favorite daily reads is Twenty-Four Hours a Day published by Hazelden.

Like so many of the things I read in this book, I found the April 6 A. A. Thought for the Day a particularly useful reminder. Perhaps it is also relevant to the insights I am trying to "birth" through yesterday's post and today's comment on that post.

Please let me to share.

April 6 - A. A. Thought for the Day

All alcoholics have personality problems. They drink to escape from
life, to counteract feelings of loneliness or inferiority, or because of some
emotional conflict within them, so that they cannot adjust themselves to
life. Alcoholics cannot stop drinking unless they find a way to solve
their personality problems. That's why going on the wagon doesn't solve
anything. That's why taking the pledge usually doesn't work. Was
my personality problem ever solved by going on the wagon or taking the
pledge?

I hope the God of your understanding blesses you today.

Flip

Psycho-babble

Restored Vows commented on my Tuesday From The Vault post with the following:

You need to realize that you are dealing with two very real life-dominating
issues: alcoholism and gay/bi issues. For myself, I am not an alcoholic in
recovery, but am a conservative Christian who's theology believes that
homosexuality is a "sin", but one that can be overcome by one's faith if you
choose. However, I would have to confess that I am "backslidden" which means
that I am not following as closely as once was. I am guilty of committing
"adultery" with another man. This does not justify my actions. AA teaches that
you need to be "Honest, Open, and Willing". This is my honesty....You need to be
commended on your recovery efforts as far as your substance abuse is concerned.
The same-sex issues are a whole other issue. My counsel would be to work on one
issue at a time. For instance, I don't recommend trying to quit smoking when a
person is in the early stages of recovery. It sets themselves up for failure.I
can always be reached via my blog if you so choose. "One day at a time..."

My initial response was to dismiss this advice with, "Yeah, right. You don't know me."

Of course when I react that way it means I've just heard something I don't like, which means I need to explore further rather than dismissing. (Growing up sucks.)

After some reflection, I understand that what Restored said explains something that has troubled me. Guys like Drew and Woe (and many others) seem so much more efficient, courageous and forthright than I in working through their issues. Yes, this statement makes me guilty, at least partially, of "comparing my insides to their outsides," a normal human reaction we are encouraged to avoid in AA. But not entirely.

For example, Drew and his wife were having grown up discussions and drawing logical conclusions shortly after the bomb dropped. Some were ideas that have taken me months, years to even begin to understand. Some were (and continue to be) completely eye opening. I see Woe walking a very careful line to both be (pardon my judgment, but undeservedly) fair to his wife and look out for his children even when he would have good reason to let go and have some well-deserved fun (Flip-slut projects).

This is not a beat up myself exercise. It is my realization that Restored is right. Bi / gay issues are not only very large on their own, but when combined with other major issues like alcoholism, abuse as a child, loss of a parent at an early age, etc. a very complex minefield may be created. As Restored pointed out, in some cases it may be wise not to attack the bi / gay issue until the other issues are cleared up or at least separated out from the bi / gay thing.

I believe that's true in my case, not only with alcoholism but in the way I treated my wife before, during and after my "I need to move out and try being gay" announcement. After more than a year of therapy and AA my head began to clear a bit. I was treating my wife in a way completely inconsistent with both my love for her and the way I wanted to treat her. Examples include continuing to engage in anonymous sexual encounters even while wanting with to stay married to her, and becoming unreasonably angry for very minor reasons.

I began to believe that some (not all) of these behaviors were really a way of acting out anger at my mother (ugh, how gay Freudian trite - but I really think it's true) and probably also at society as a whole for "preventing" me from being who I was for so long. My wife was a natural target for this anger both because of the mother-figure thing (nausea) and the little voice that said "she is all that's standing between you and what you want."

When this dawned on me, one thing I did was buy and read the book Mothers, Sons and Lovers, How a Boy's Relationship With His Mother Affects the Rest of His Life. It was not easy (hello Tony Perkins in Psycho). But becoming aware has really changed my treatment of my wife and taken me a long way towards my goal of consistently doing the right thing because I want to.

Well, enough psycho-babble (npi). I guess the point is that I acted as though my only problem was my repressed gayness. I thought if I just got honest and "switched parties"everything else would fall into place. Now I know that's really just a beginning. And in some cases working through other issues (like alcoholism) should be the real beginning.

Obviously most of you already know this. I wish I had before I pulled the pin on the grenade.

Happy Friday!

Flip

DEAR!

Drop Everything And Read!

If you haven't yet met RJ I encourage you to visit his blog, Collide/Connect. But even before you do that I highly recommend reading his short story "He In His Cups." To access it, click here and scroll down to entry 10.2.10.

Enjoy!

Flip

From the Vault

Flip’s Journal 2/22/04 Entry
[Blog note: Written a little more than a month and a half after announcing my desire to leave my wife to live a gay life and less than a month before my first AA meeting.]

Jesus, I’m not sure how much longer I can take whatever it is my life has turned
into. Truth, honesty.

Right. More like a living hell. Each day brings new demands from all of those whom I seem to rely on to provide me with my feeling of acceptance.

I wish I could just disappear.

Oh well, better quit blaming those other folks for the situation I have created – at least I’d better do that before I blow $200 more with my shrink tomorrow.

[My wife] feeling unloved and unwanted. Since when is it my responsibility to
provide/fulfill her sense of self-worth? Hey, what about me? Feeling loved? Oh yeah, as long as I behave myself like a good little trained monkey.

“Attend to my needs and I’ll give you a banana. But don’t reassure me that life will be exactly the way I want it to be and I’ll throw a tantrum.” She just doesn’t
get it – and is obviously protecting herself from all attempts to help her
get it. No doctor will break through, for sure. They are not even allowed to
get close.

I’ve been thinking about posting some entries from the journal I kept during 2003 and 2004.

Last night I dreamed about having sex with my (longtime ex-) boyfriend – something I honestly don’t remember dreaming about since he exited my life in September 2004.*

Today I decided to unearth the journal. As I read through various entries, at first I could feel myself becoming quite uncomfortable and irritable. As I read more I was reminded that even though I have not yet officially started my Ninth Step, many of the promises from that step are already coming true in my life.

* To be fair, you should know that I have dreamed about having sex with my wife a couple of times in the past several months.

*******************************

Step Nine Promises from Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) pages 83-84

• We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
• We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
• We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
• No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
• That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
• We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
• Self-seeking will slip away.
• Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
• Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
• We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
• We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
  

For You or For Me?

I'm reflecting a bit on blogging which honestly means feeling some self-doubt that is manifesting itself in several ways, including questioning myself on blogging.

I understand that this is my blog, my forum...perhaps even an extension of me. Well, I swing from sure of myself and my path to doubting, yes worrying, all the way. Why shouldn't my blog? Perhaps it does. I really don't feel like reading what I have written, therefore I'm probably just reacting to my most recent writing. Or perhaps not.

Part of my self-doubt process involves trying to imagine how and what my readers experience - well more honestly - what they think of my blog, and since it's an extension of me, what they think of me. OK, let's get a little more honest. I want you to like me. Sometimes. Then I realize that not only does it not matter what you think of me, it is really none of my business. And to elaborate even further, worrying about if you like me, what you think of me, and what you think of what I'm writing probably makes what I write less honest, less meaningful for readers and less helpful for me. OK, now I don't care what you think of me. I'm a liar. Now I realize that I do care, but I need to moderate that.

Uh oh, here I go again. Can I write one single post without relating it to alcoholism, recovery and / or AA? Hmmm. We'll see. Did that just count?

Ugh. How many readers have I lost because they think, "Here comes Flip. Hide the liquor and brace yourself?" But I don't care about that. Well, actually I do but I know I shouldn't and sometimes I don't.

Why do I write most posts in Word, then proofread, edit, simplify? Because I want to write well. Why? Because it's important to me. Are you sure it's not because you're afraid of what your readers might think of you if you make a mistake? Well, probably. But I really don't want to be that way. And I know that it matters not a bit to me if someone else makes a mistake in grammar, spelling or typing in their blog. And that's the truth. If I like them I overlook a lot. Well, what if you don't particularly like them but you respect them, or maybe even you don't like them but you like to read what they say because....um, because you like to? Huh?

Wow. To borrow from the regal ruler of Austria (can't remember if he was a prince, emperor, king or what) in the movie Amadeus, "Too many words."

I like you. I hope you like me. But I don't care if you don't. But I do care. But I don't want you to care if I like you or not, because I don't want you to change for me. I love you just the way you are. Unless you irritate me. Then it takes me a few minutes alone, and I'll love you just the way you are. Unless I hate you. Which probably means I love you. Just the way you are.

You're right. I didn't write this in Word first.

Bye.

Flip

Dancers

“…I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song playing right in my ear
That I can't sing
I can't help listening…”
-from For A Dancer by Jackson Browne

• J. Great uncle by marriage. Spent 60 years of life with mental capacity of 5 year old after drunk driving accident.
  
• M. Child of mother’s best friend. Dead at age 18. Killed during an alcohol-fueled fraternity hazing incident.
  
• A. A friend / co-worker's son. Dead at age 20. Killed in a drunk driving accident.
  
• A. Great grandfather. Killed in house fire started by drunk great grandmother, who got out alive.
  
• W. Grandfather. Dead at age 66. Died while in hospital for alcohol / drug-related illness.
  
• V. Great aunt. Drug addict / alcoholic. Successful suicide victim.
  
• J. V’s son. Drug addict / alcoholic. Successful suicide victim.
  
• R. Grandmother. Drug addict / alcoholic. Unsuccessful suicide victim. Died of natural causes 6 years after suicide attempt.
  
• W. Uncle. Long-time alcoholic. Became tortured and demented before dying.
  
  

Relatives, friends, acquaintances. Some close. Some not.
God bless them all. May they rest in peace.

• F. Alcoholic. Drunk driver. Alive. Sober. Today.

Like life and the concomitant knowledge of death, sobriety is a gift.
Recipients are free to use gifts as they wish.

"...And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive but you'll never know."
-from For a Dancer by Jackson Browne

Take care,

Flip